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the ends
Sometimes, it feels like every moment needed to end so the next can come, ad infinitum. It’s as if every moment was reduced to being what precedes the next and so on. I’m always looking forward to some end. I wonder if it’s because every end is an opportunity and a hope for happiness in the next moment.
This way of living, living vicariously through the hope that I’m talking about, seeing every moment as something to get over with so the next can come, this way of living is a rejection of life itself.
I think I have difficulty fully living in the moment because of the fear of the pain that it might hold, so I have this kind of metaphorical barrier that keeps me from fully engaging in the present, and numbs me to it, because it might be too painful. The fear of being met with a difficult feeling keeps me from being fully there.
The avoidance of facing how I actually feel makes me seek something “distracting enough” in other moments, other thoughts, something, anything, to keep my mind off what’s going on inside.
I think it takes courage, to live fearlessly, to meet every moment with a certain innocence, and not hide from it by seeking some new moment every time, to appease this frightened self.
To delve deep in the moment is to give myself permission to go through it, fully, even if it doesn’t cater to those needs for distraction that I tend to have. It’s saying this is it. This truth of how I’m feeling is there, and I fully accept it, and I choose to live my life whithout having to distract myself from that feeling.
It’s fearlessness, it’s acceptance of the truth of one’s mind, and all the ways in which it makes one feel all the hard feelings. It’s feeling those feelings, and navigating life without constantly seeking refuge in various other moments because I know deep down that surrender is the way. Surrender to the present moment as it is, without trying to change it or hide from it.
Everything in me sometimes vacillates between pain and the total rejection of it. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to finally meet the now. Maybe this realisation is the first step. The realization that the present moment is all there is.
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come as you are
Showing up before being ready is an act of courage, it’s saying : “I will do this even if it’s not perfect”. It’s allowing oneself to be mediocre at something, to not do it in the way that is deemed « perfect».
I started realizing how important consistency is, consistency over perfection. If I repeatedly allow myself to do, even when I’m not ready, it eventually amounts to something, even if I don’t see it in the short term.
I think it comes back to this permission that I feel like I need to give myself. The permission to suck at something. The permission for things not to be perfect before I do the thing.
It’s the romanticization of the perfect doing, of the perfect life, of the perfect circumstances. There is a lot of discomfort when one is faced with how different it has to be from the idea that was formed about how it is supposed to be. That discomfort can be discouraging, it can be challenging, and test how much you really want the thing, the imperfect thing, the flawed thing, the real thing, the better-than-nothing thing.
The dissolution of the illusion can be either a wake up call, to actually face the discomfort, and do whatever it takes, or it can be the end of the journey.
This post is my invitation to you to come as you are, with all your imperfect doings. It’s my invitation to give yourself the permission to show up, even when you’re not ready.
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thoughts on fear
Fear can be acknowledged and honored, but albeit being there, it’s not in control. Fear can be irrational and flawed and scarred because it’s human. It’s lovely and soft and feels safe, but it keeps me from having the life I want for myself. I choose to know my fear and be familiar with it in order to go beyond it.
Maybe fear has been betrayed once and doesn’t have faith anymore. Maybe fear doesn’t believe in progress and the potential of mediocrity, it only wants the kind of perfection that’s tiptoeing around, the elusive kind that has not bled and sweated and teared up to become what it is. How is that fair? It’s not.
That kind of perfection only exists in the imagination, and I don’t want to live a life of reverence for an illusion. Authenticity, the ugly one, the tired one, the i’m-not-perfect-but-i-am-real authenticity is very needed in the face of that delusion. I want that authenticity to keep my words alive, and to keep me humble.
The precaution of inaction is a false precaution, because it leads to regret. It leads to the very same failure I’m fearing. This precaution is lying to me, and lures me in with the promise of safety but it’s for a price that I don’t want to pay.
I refuse to live a life of fear. I don’t want to pay for that kind of safety with my creativity, because my creativity is what keeps me alive. It’s what makes me happy. It’s what makes life fun and enjoyable and kind of dope when I think about it. I’m not ready to negociate that for miserable and regretful safety or fake and illusionary perfection.
I choose to believe that my creative pursuit is inherently worthy. I choose to believe that my creative endeavors are worthy. Even if it goes against what I’ve been internalizing for years and against the stream of messages I might have been sent from past failures.
This is a form of self love, this is a rebellious thought. Believing that one’s voice matters enough to be voiced, and that one’s art can rise from something undecided to something sure.
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for the joy it brings
There’s a happiness factor at play when choosing to do things, and investing time in a particular activity. I think the reason doesn’t always have to be because it needs to be done and because that’s what I should do, the reason can also be because it brings me happiness. That’s what I mean by the happiness factor.
This is a different approach from the rigid and fixed way of looking only at the it-just-needs-to-be-done factor.
In fact, sometimes the happiness factor is the main reason for the fact that it needs to be done, but it’s overlooked.
When Albert Camus was asked why he loved theater so much, he simply replied that it made him happy.
Sometimes the most basic reasons are neglected, and things like success are at the top of the factors list. The happiness factor is a human factor, it’s a pleasure factor, it’s a feel-good factor. It’s not logical or reasonable or profitable or external.
The happiness in the happiness factor is instrinsic happiness, it’s the pure and simple joy of doing. It’s not the external happiness that comes with praise and followers and success.
I’m talking about the basic everyday joy that is not shiny or glamourous, but simple and pure, and a little boring, but also the real reason I choose to keep doing something. When I think about the happiness factor, it’s easier to do things, because I don’t think of them as « shoulds », but rather as fulfilling and joy inducing things.
I believe this is a more tender approach that is full of life and humanness and gentleness. Doing something for the joy it brings.
When Albert Camus was asked why he loved theater so much, he simply replied that it made him happy.
Sometimes the most basic reasons are neglected, and things like success are at the top of the factors list. The happiness factor is a human factor, it’s a pleasure factor, it’s a feel-good factor. It’s not logical or reasonable or profitable or external.
The happiness in the happiness factor is instrinsic happiness, it’s the pure and simple joy of doing. It’s not the external happiness that comes with praise and followers and success.
I’m talking about the basic everyday joy that is not shiny or glamourous, but simple and pure, and a little boring, but also the real reason I choose to keep doing something. When I think about the happiness factor, it’s easier to do things, because I don’t think of them as « shoulds », but rather as fulfilling and joy inducing things.
I believe this is a more tender approach that is full of life and humanness and gentleness. Doing something for the joy it brings.
Zaïnab 