the ends

Sometimes, it feels like every moment needed to end so the next can come, ad infinitum. It’s as if every moment was reduced to being what precedes the next and so on. I’m always looking forward to some end. I wonder if it’s because every end is an opportunity and a hope for happiness in the next moment.

This way of living, living vicariously through the hope that I’m talking about, seeing every moment as something to get over with so the next can come, this way of living is a rejection of life itself.

I think I have difficulty fully living in the moment because of the fear of the pain that it might hold, so I have this kind of metaphorical barrier that keeps me from fully engaging in the present, and numbs me to it, because it might be too painful. The fear of being met with a difficult feeling keeps me from being fully there.

The avoidance of facing how I actually feel makes me seek something “distracting enough” in other moments, other thoughts, something, anything, to keep my mind off what’s going on inside.

I think it takes courage, to live fearlessly, to meet every moment with a certain innocence, and not hide from it by seeking some new moment every time, to appease this frightened self.

To delve deep in the moment is to give myself permission to go through it, fully, even if it doesn’t cater to those needs for distraction that I tend to have. It’s saying this is it. This truth of how I’m feeling is there, and I fully accept it, and I choose to live my life whithout having to distract myself from that feeling.

It’s fearlessness, it’s acceptance of the truth of one’s mind, and all the ways in which it makes one feel all the hard feelings. It’s feeling those feelings, and navigating life without constantly seeking refuge in various other moments because I know deep down that surrender is the way. Surrender to the present moment as it is, without trying to change it or hide from it.

Everything in me sometimes vacillates between pain and the total rejection of it. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to finally meet the now. Maybe this realisation is the first step. The realization that the present moment is all there is.

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